Today I Looked In The Mirror - HAWMC Day 12

Today’s post is about what’s going on in my head in this exact moment.  Called Stream of Consciousness, it starts with this phrase: “Today I looked in the mirror and…” Write for 15 minutes. Don’t edit. Post. 


Today I looked in the mirror & didn't like what I saw.  I see an old, fat person.  I see someone who can't do what she wants to do; someone who can't do what others think she should do.  See - there's that caring what other people think again.  I don't mind so much the stretch marks - to me those are a badge that I achieved what I most wanted in this world - motherhood!  But while I feel like I've accepted my new normal, there are times when I mourn the kind of mom I thought I'd be.  Things are better, that's for sure!  I met with my LLMD today; we were discussing how much better things are.  I exercised 6 times a couple of weeks ago - 3 yoga sessions and 3 Pilates sessions.  A year ago I could've done one of those & would have been too fried to attempt a second, let alone half a dozen.  I know how far I've come, but there are days when I feel like I'll never be normal. And because I'm normal enough -- more normal than I've been for a long time I feel like folks expect me to actually 'be' normal.  That & no one can possibly fathom why this still exists.  I get the question all the time, "Oh, you still have that?"  They think Lyme is a disease I had & that it's over - like having the flu.  The quencher is that it's all starting to get worse again.  I've been keeping the symptoms I have at bay; doing minimal treatment, for 2 years now.  Trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, breastfeeding -- all put things on a backburner, but now that I'm not nursing anymore, my LLMD wants to hit things hard!  I'm starting on a crazy regimin that's likely to make me feel worse again -- like everything Lyme related it seems things must get worse to get better.  It's not so much that they are actually worse, but as the infections die off they release toxins into the body that make us feel sick even as we're getting better.  So, happy days ahead!  I mean that both sarcastically & realistically all at once.  Sarcastically b/c I might be feeling poorly.  Realistically b/c we'll be attacking these bad boys & hopefully they'll be dying.  My hubby & had talked about doing a 30-day detox after Roo's first birthday.  Seems like it might fit perfectly with this new treatment plan.  Now we just have to decide if I should start slowly on the new meds & build up - which will minimize the herx reactions but make them last longer -- of if I should start everything at once to get it over with even though it'll mean a pretty big herx.  My husband is leaning toward to latter; I'm leaning toward the former because I don't want to tax my liver too much and put too much stress on my body.  Not to mention that's the approach my LLMD layed out. So, a month of ramping up meds coupled with a month long cleanse seems like just the thing to kick this in to motion.