I've kinda been blogging blindly lately; shooting in the dark about random things as my mind works out my inner thoughts. It started in December. Good News! The Lyme is in remission! Yay! I posted about this earlier so you can read more if you want.
Then in January, the blood test for co-infections came back negative. Yay, right? I haven't told y'all b/c it's somewhat unsettling. My doctor prefaced the negative news by saying that a negative test result doesn't mean that I don't have a co-infection, but ... since I don't exhibit any overt symptoms of a particular co-infection she's declaring me co-infection free also. Yippee!
So, why not so good? What's the bad? Well, first of all Lyme and its buddies don't ever go away. Remission means that they sit in your system and wait for an opportunity to re-attack! Meaning, any thing that runs me down can suppress my immune system enough to allow them to creap back up.
Second, I guess I always thought that if I got rid of the Lyme and friends, that I'd also get rid of the CFS but here it still lingers .... so I've been wrestling in my mind with that fact that it's probably here to stay & that my life is permanently changed. Changed as I know Pamela, changed as a wife, changed as a mother. Changed. I'm mourning not being able to run a half-marathon with my friends who just asked me to train with them for the Rock N Roll San Jose -- how fun! Mourning bike rides with my friends who dropped me like hot potatoes when I couldn't ride.
But, here the CFS remains. Super Bowl parties still cause me to crash for over a week. I'm tired enough to completely forget about making my husband's favorite dirty rice for Mardis Gras and don't even think about going out anywhere on a busy night! -- even the thought of going out for Valentine's Day was off-putting.
So, we stay at home and live the exact opposite life I used to live.
That's where the Happiness Challenge came in -- coming to grips with a permanent chronic illness also meant coming to grips with my new pessimistic outlook, which I didn't like! I'd always been an upbeat, outgoing, optimistic person. Frequently people would comment on my smile. I don't smile much any more. I used to blame it on the fact that I never feel very good. Perhaps that was true in the early Lyme days when I felt sooooo bad! (read my early posts for more on that days), but lately I think it's more habit. I think it's my attitude. I think it's me looking for things to complain about. So, taking part in this Happiness Project is me trying to take back part of my life that I do have control over and not just learning to live with it, but enjoying it and being happy with it ;) I still have a way to go, but I'm hoping to get there. I'll bring you along on my journey of course. And offer occasional explanations, like this one, as to why I'm a little off course.
Thanks for all your support!
7 comments:
WoW PJ This post is just what I needed to read...I have just come to realize that the LYme and coinfections never completely leave...and with this last nasty relapse I am very aware that one small thing can activate it, and the CFS. I love your efforts to focus on happiness and with the depression i went through a short time ago ( rare for me) the negative was out in full force....Bless you for this post...your efforts and your desire to come to grips. As my one daughter would say ..."get a grip" I think it is time I do too and follow in your footsteps.
God has spoken to me tonight through your words....
I totally understand your feelings. I would be bummed to find out my feeling cruddy wasn't going to go away.
I'm also sorry any of your friends were losers enough to stop hanging out with you over your inability to be overly active. Phooey on them.
Do they have you on any meds or supplements to help?
I am happy to hear the Lyme is in remission ... and I can completely understand your frustration and fear with the CFS. The chronic part is the worst part to deal with. It would be so much easier if we could at least see a light at the end of the tunnel, knowing if we just hang on x more days, then everything will be all right.
Smiling is a habit I'm trying to establish right now. "Fake it til you make it," I think you say. Even a less than heart felt smile has its benefits. So, I'm smiling at you as I type, sending you hugs and happiness.
I hear the chronic fatigue part of Lyme can be the hardest to 'cure'. I was lucky I never really had that chronic fatigue just fatigue from dealing with a nasty dose of Lyme Disease.
Now I am in remission and well and can cycle, I still have a few remaining mild symptoms and am still looking over my shoulder. I do hope your fatigue starts to resolve too.
PS: I nominated you for the Sugar Doll award on my blog!
Renee~ I'm glad God spoke to you through my post; makes it seem less lonely, somehow.
Swizz, Thanks for the encouragement. I wish we were closer b/c I know you're not a loser friend :) I am on tons of meds/supplements and they definitely DO help!
Shelli, I love that - fake it til you make it. Maybe I should try that, too! ps - Thanks for the award!
Joanne, thanks for stopping by. Sometimes I wonder - Why me? Why did I get all of this (Lyme, CFS, Celiac & PCOS) instead of just Lyme, but so many things work together. I'm glad you're able to ride again -- I still hold out a little hope that someday ... ;:)
Catching up on your blog today... this post is so convicting for me, who doesn't suffer from chronic fatigue and yet can become so negative. Such a wonderful reminder to keep a good attitude in spite of whatever is going on around us (easier said than done of course). Thanks for your honesty Pamela!
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